that is me. at least i still alive. now is 4.40 am thx to insomnia. just wanna say 5SOS awesomee. their song made my day. again thx 5SOS

No I’m never gonna leave you darling No I’m never gonna go regardless
Everything inside of me, is leaving in your heartbeat
Even when all the lights are fading
Even then, if your hope was shaking
I’m here holding on I will always be yours for ever and and more
For the push and the pull
I still drown in your love
And drink till I’m drunk And all that I’ve done, is it ever enough
I’m hanging on a line here baby
I need more than ifs and maybes
We’ll come down from the highest heights
Still searching for the reason why
And now I know what it’s like, 
Reaching from the other side
After all that I’ve done For all that it’s worth, is it worth it?
Cause more than it’s hard to desert it
For all that it’s worth, is it worth it?
How do we know without searching?

I will write you this song to get back what’s ours?
Would that be enough?

the day for the best!

i aged so fast. 19 . i dont like to talk about him but yeah maybe this day was meant for him. even we should realize that he is perfect everytime but this day is to tell people that how great they are in the world. firstly i still remember the time when we go to fish up together. he told me to grip the thing. patient and enjoy the catch. but that time i was only 8 and i dont have a piece of patient in me so i got nothing. he told me we need to be patient to do sumthing or it just end as waste. so the time pass by. it getting awkward to say "i love u" to him. he raise we all with discipline. everynight he ask us to gather up and share everything on our mind. i was so small that time and i know nothing what is going on. i just saw everybody talking about their probs . but i do know one thing. i know that he really concern . though it was always a hard day for him but he never  loose down his responsibilities. when i was 12 i have an incident with him. that time i sit for my big exam and i told him i will be home at 3pm . but i lie to him . i end up at my friend house until 5 and that was the time he leave a scar on my hand. when i get home he was exploded with anger and his monstrosity act really hurt me so bad. he land me a a lot of punch and hit me with a huge hard wood .that time i really think i was going to die. the final blow from him was when he punch me on my neck .i fainted. when i open my eyes i saw i was in the bed with my hand bandaged. but i never blame him . becoz i need to pay for my own wrong. when time goes by ,i realize that the punch that he gave me when i was 12 gonna be the last . he dont live with us anymore. until now i saw him seldomly. but i know. it doesnt mean that he did not care about us. i know he always care about us. there was a time when i come to see him and suddenly my  tears act by itself. it keep running down my face. my tears would tell the world that how i miss him in my life. in this special day i really want to tell the people that appreciate every minutes u spent with him . make him  smile becoz we do not know the time that we already cant. there is no perfect father but all father will love perfectly.

stupid doll head !

people say holiday is the best.. well i cant deny it but honestly i must admit that there also a moment when i feel damn boring during the break. so to ease the "pain" i visit this blog. to write somthing .  about the title , actually i got pranked by my bro . he always do shit to me but i dont care. thats the bond right? xD well today i went to hospital to see my sist if there is any changes of circumstances of her. well she actually fine .and after a few hour, when the sweat being so "nice" to me we decide to  make our way to home. and we reach home around 3 pm. my body feel so heavy as last night i took a lot of alcohol and start the never endless story with my uncle though it actually ended with i slept on my laptop . my head gonna explode so i decide to take a nap . so the prank is about i awaken as i feel something beside me. i dont feel a damn to care .but it felt like the "thing" is staring at me. when i turn my head i saw big doll head with ugly face and messy hair staring sharp into my eyes with smile. i was FUCKING shocked ! my reflect was to punch the doll head. my eyes is wide-open . my heart race. sweat all over my body . then i shout with anger " WHO PUT THE DAMN DOLL HEAD HERE?' without reply i heard a devilish laugh outside. "ITS NOT FUNNY  !"  then i throw away the doll outside. no one goin to admit. all the people here say "not me ". then i swear to my penis i will revenge. HAHAHA *evil laugh .then my bro take the doll head while laughing and put it on the box. but what i extremely confused is when i woke up at 1 am to pee before that i swear i clearly saw the doll head inside the box but when i get up and after peeing  and  before i enter my bedroom i saw the doll head in front of my room door . staring at me. but when sleepy conquer me i dont really care about it . i just go to my bed and continue to sleep . in the morning i saw the doll head at the box where my bro put it. so yeah . if that was the second prank well they success to move me. but if not well what was that?

FORGETING

STUPID DAMN DAMN. i just say to myself. its been 5 years and 5 months i admit that i cant forget her. damnit. as this day especially for all the supermom in the world so i take time to see all the picture of us. and i saw 1 picture of us with her. she stand next to my mother on my graduation day . i just cant understand my brain for having a hard time to remove her completely . suddenly i feel like to see how her day so far. she had block and unfren me afterall. so i am using my other account to see her facebook. well  as expected she already had someone to hold her close.  seem like they are so happy together. and "he" already working. so i just can smile knowing that she already had the best for her life with someone that can protect and taking a good care of her.so yeah i should take a funeral for this feeling.  after all the memories we had , i take a contemplation to realize that the space btw her finger its not meant to mine . whatever happen next, i just hope she will be happy as i will take my step to forget . in this post i will say that thx for letting me know the feeling of love. "god i dont pray for miracle to happen but i just hope she will be happy in her life and she will always take the right path to get the very best in her life." - my stupid prayer

strangers

 assume this post was on the flashback. there is a girl. sparkling eyes. long hair. quite person and look shy. the most important is she was on the same lecture hall with me ! i remember what her wore on our first day in lecture. with her hair neatly tied and a green shirt. i really dont trust my feeling but yeah it was like a paper stamped . leaving a sign on it.  soon afterward, whenever i am going to attend the lecture and i started sweating heavily.! damn it.. the moment that stick the most in me was the moment when i wore the same pink with her. that time was in  chemistry class and my sight caught on her that we are on the same pink !."blushing" i cant concentrate. i swear ! every single minute my time on lecture wasted on her. then  soon after that, my time on lecture class become my artwork class. i drew her. from every angle she sat . call me crazy but i cant help myself from stoping my hand to draw her beautiful face. every page on my book written off her name . i keep this feeling inside  for a long time . and until the last sem we had, i still keep this only btw me and myself. secretly draw her , asking about her, and more likely to say stalking her. i try not to but my brain own my body. lol i know im just a fool but this is the only way i can do .i tell no people about this . and suddenly i have the guts to wish her as the exam is around the corner. but i take the first step. wishing her gudnight everytime before i went to sleep. and there is a time when i dont expect my hp to vibrate for notification suddenly show a text from "her" and beyond my excitement i read it written down "gudnight" . only a word really give a bed of roses to my dream.when this thing continuously to happen, suddenly i realize that i climb a mountain with only a left leg.she was perfect to me but i am far beyond the uncomplete. so i take my next move , to letting go. i know that i cant even qualified to stand beside her. so i take my backward. . i just hope that she will know about this although it impossible.,well i dont pray to god for miracle. but i pray to him to make her happy. the real guy who will fit the empty spaces btw her finger.i know my level so yeah . :) as a stranger, i secretly wish u for the best.

the final boss

actually i want to post this earlier but the internet just upset. now i have finish tame her. lol well final moment in this place . the study week . and there's a lot to happen. some super damn shit happen to me. to be honest  i am the type of person who doesnt really take deeply to what people think about me. say anything about me. becoz this is myself. and i am the boss of me. the judging part is not for anyone to take. and i meant it ! that why  i keep calm. and keep moving . but i do care about when i was blame for sumthing that i done nothing.some piece of shit didnt understand btw proud and pride. i do accept when people say i am stupid . yeah i know it. i swallow it. but when they rise their head blame me for nothing that i havent done the actually me will come out . im sory but when i hate the hate will never stop . and there is a fren of  mine say to me that i was the who need to apologize becoz THE MOMENT OF TOGETHER GONNA END. then i'll say go fuck urself dude. i really sory. but i do have pride in me. and no one shall step in it. i dont care about it..  go ahead . hate me people. but i know i am the one who step in the right way. the immature mind thinking that we must forgive. and i call that hypocritical bullshit! how about  u were hurt by somebody and just becoz ur fren need u to apologize as a title that they were fren . and the shit out of u apologize to the person.but in the inside the hate and hurt combine creating a concrete wall. strengthen ur vengeful heart. and it showing that u have no respect to urself. u fight against ur BOSS, ur soul. so i am sory to tell that im out of that , i stay with myself. with my BOSS! 

soon afterwards the exam come. and i study like hell! i put some electrical charge to my brain . prevent my eyes from closing until 6 am, and directly take a shower and go for the exam. this shit happen continuously until the last paper. yeah this was the final boss! my last exam in this crap. i have to endure the pain and have the best for my future. and hell yeah, it was end. thank god for ur help . and i pray to u to give me the best result . amen!